theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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