We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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