it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
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