This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Randomize
