I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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