I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
