It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
