I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
