i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
cat food counts as protein by the way
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
