What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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