3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
