I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
