That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
