You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
