I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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