you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
