Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
