Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
