Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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