Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
