You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
