I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
