I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
