Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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