i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize