Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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