I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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