Three words: puerto rican gang bang
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
