My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
