The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
im six kinds of drunk right now
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
