I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
