five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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