someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
