walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Randomize
