I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
