I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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