He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize