dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
