is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
