I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
