I puked a lego.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
