Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
