I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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