just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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