Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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