dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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