My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
