please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
