So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
