fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
