I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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