She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
