the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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