she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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