You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
