the new term for farting is butt boxing.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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