I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
