Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
