I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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