The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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