Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
