I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
